Features: Queries for Carrie

Help! I'm a phone hostage August 2007

Query: I’ve taken a new job in an old field. It’s got some hairy deadlines, which I knew coming in. However, one of the sales staff before me spoiled certain customers—giving them all kinds of extra attention and services. One of these legacies likes to call and confirm her standing request when I’m about an hour out from the absolute cut-off. She’s older, and sweet, and maybe chatty because she’s lonely; but I’m losing my cool trying to hold her hand and get through my lists (mutually exclusive objectives in this case). What can I do? What should I say? —Troubled on Thayer

Carrie: Call the client when you’re not on deadline. Remind her of who you are and who you’re with—it’s funny how some people are hard to place out of context. Share with her that you’re delighted to have such a loyal customer on your list. Decide on a time that works for you before you make the call. Ask her to call you then. Explain that you want to give her the extra attention that she deserves as a long-time account, but that right before deadline means you never have the freedom to give her your full attention. Specify when you would like her to call, and be very warm, relaxed and open when she does (as a reward for following your directions).
Then, if she calls while you’re coming down to the wire, be brief and firm and remind her that it’s better and easier to reach you at the special time you’ve scheduled for her. In fact, take the initiative, call her then and confirm her standing order. She’ll enjoy the special attention, and you’ll have the focus you need to get your deadline stuff done.

Query: Dad always packs an apple in my lunch. I don’t like apples. Unless they peel them for me. I never eat the apple. No one wants the apple. I have to throw it away. I don’t want to throw away apples this year. How can I stop him this year?—Squirming on Second

Carrie: Your father wants you to have a nutritious, safe, easy lunch from home. You want to have something you can eat. Your goals don’t have to be opposed.
You could talk with your dad about the fruits you do enjoy eating without adult assistance. You could offer to go shopping with him to help him pick out what you would eat. You might be able to negotiate applesauce cups, if it’s all about the apples and you like the taste and texture.
Don’t pick a fight over the apples. Don’t scream or slam doors. Just share your problem and your possible solutions, and listen to whatever he can counter-offer. Between you, you’ll have a packed lunch that will be the envy of your friends and a source of health for years to come.

Query: I’m very serious about the new girl in my life. I asked my sister to invite her to her wedding—even though we hadn’t been together all that long when the invitations went out. We’re still together, but my girlfriend just told me she can’t get off from work to be there. I was kind of upset. She’s known about it for months. Then, I overheard her talking with one of her friends. It sounds like she’s planning on spending her free-time that weekend being out on the town every second she’s not at work (I’m tempted to check her schedule and see if she really does have to be at work at all). I want to bring this up without sounding like a massive control freak. —Disappointed on Dale

Carrie: It does indeed sound like she didn’t want to be there, but check in with her. Have a quiet talk with her (not at a party, not in traffic, not by phone), about this situation. Share with her how important family is to you. Explain that you understand she’s not going to be at this event. Then start listening.
Find out if she’s really nervous about being around your whole family at a special event. Find out if her family has a history of getting really weird at holidays and other gatherings. Find out if she’s afraid she looks or acts some way that would make either your people or herself uncomfortable within the confines of social rituals and traditions. Be open to her concerns. It will give you something to work on together, before the next such occasion.

If it’s all about her not wanting to skip an outing with her crew, then you may have a re-think coming about this particular person. She may not be the one if she can’t respect your basic beliefs and practices.