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Figuring out family values Queries for Carrie October 2006

Query: We're old fashioned pacifists. Our youngest plays videogames at his friends' houses. We don't forbid it, because we don't believe that we can or should hide him from the world in which he's growing up. But now he and his friends want to go around on Halloween dressed up as gang-bangers--something they saw in one of their videogames.

How do we draw the line? This is very offensive to us and can't be good for him. But we've allowed him to go where he can play those games, and we didn't tell him that it wasn't permitted. What do we do now?

-- Horrified on Houston

Carrie: Guess what? You're still the adults in your household, and you're still the ones in charge of forming your son's moral and ethical values. Not only would it be a good idea to tell your son why you object, but you might call his friends' parents and talk with them. I suspect that they don't all know of this plan, and that if approached will be supportive of all the kids finding something else to be this year.

Sit and talk with your son about the video game and the effect of the violence and objectification of others that he sees there, and the emotional impact such behaviors have on others exposed to it in the real world. Structure your conversation along the lines of, "How would you feel if a member of the family, or a friend, were to die suddenly? Would everyone who knew that person feel that way? Isn't that a lot of people to be so sad and angry?"

Then go out and do some research to find a video game that doesn't violate all your values and is still fun for the kids to play. Invest in this game, even if it lives at someone else's house. That way you're not taking away their pastime, you're only modifying it. Continue sharing your core beliefs actively with your son while he's still listening to you. It may even prolong the length of time he stays in dialogue before adolescence takes over.

Query: My parents totally want to control my wedding--when it is (not on a date special to myself and my fiancé), who's invited (all our relatives and then a bunch of people from our church), and even what we eat (we wanted Vietnamese since that was our first date, his mother says chicken and salmon). My mother won't even leave me to decide on the flowers. What can I say before it's too late?

-- Bride on Boyd

Carrie: You can tell them that you and your fianc  would rather pay for everything out of your own pockets, and not put your families to so much financial strain on your behalf. Then you postpone your big reception for a year and a half whilst you and your quietly-married new husband save like banshees to throw the party of your dreams.

If your parents insist on the old-fashioned courtesy of having a large at-home in your honor, accede gracefully and allow them to demonstrate your new status to the community of their peers and loved ones. This, after all, is what your mother wants in the end (I hope).

But it is always the person who pays the piper who calls the tune. A wedding is not a modern form of carte blanche with your parents' credit card and blessing. If your people are expecting to sink the cost of a new car into a one-and-a-half day extravaganza, they're very reasonably going to want to have some say in how all the lucre is spread around.

Query: I'm not a slob, but my partner acts like I am. He gets stressed out by work and gets picky at home. I'm tired of going around and around about a few dishes in the sink or the cap on the toothpaste. It's not like we don't have some real issues we could be working on. Is there anything I can do?

-- Crabbed-at on Cobb

Carrie: First off, it sounds like you both need to work on your partner's stress levels. Right sleep, diet and exercise go a long way there. Supplement that with vitamins, massage, yoga and/or acupuncture. At the same time, find compromises to his most persistent hobby horses: do the dishes every morning, do them at least once every twelve hours; buy toothpaste that comes with a flip-top instead of a twist-off. Sign up for a few sessions of couple's therapy. This will go farther if he picks the therapist.

Try bringing up that he might benefit from a job change, or a position change within the same organization. The therapist may be a help in determining how much stress his job contributes to your life, and how much it may be a point of displacement for all other stressors.