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	Respecting (and setting) boundaries May 2006

Query: I recently moved to a new apartment. I like my neighbors, and have made good friends with the children next door. One of the kids can’t have any sugar, so all of them don’t get it at home. When they come over, they swarm through my house like killer bees, landing on anything sweet. I’m pretty sure they shouldn’t have this kind of random snacking in their regular diet. I don’t want to rat them out to their mom, but I don’t want to worry about keeping cookies or candy in the house.

—Sweet-Tooth on Oswego

Carrie: That’s a sticky wicket, indeed. You could explain that you know those treats aren’t good for their health, and promise that they can have fruit in the future. Then you’re put to the trouble — and expense — of having easy-to-eat fruit in your home. Or you could negotiate that they will each be allowed one of whatever goodie is around, but no more than one. Or you might rearrange your kitchen to keep the sweets in a lockable location, as old liquor cabinets used to be managed.

All of these solutions assume that you are interested in continuing the constant flow of this family through your apartment. If not, you’ll have to learn to deny them entry in a kind, firm and consistent manner to help communicate your change of heart.

Consider sharing what you’ve learned about the kids with their mother after you’ve got the problem solved. She needs to know about this behavioral pattern because if they’re doing it at your place, they’re likely doing it elsewhere. Your solution may prove to be helpful when she goes about coaching them out of this habit.

Query: My neighbor likes to relax by doing yard work on his days off. I love the way his garden looks. I appreciate the stress relief and workout that his hobby represents for him. But he cranks the bluegrass gospel up to eleven on his speakers on Sundays at 8 a.m. to get his garden-groove going. I like the music. I would like it better if it didn’t blare across all creation two hours before I want to be awake. Besides buying a box of better earplugs, what can I do?

—Beleaguered on Boston

Carrie: If you’re close to your neighbor in other ways, you might consider buying him a better set of ear-buds. Just giving him those alone may clue him in to your desperate perspective. If he’s dense, or you don’t know him that well, talk to him about it over the fence one morning. Frame your concern in the middle of the conversation — after you ask him about a problem area in your own grounds and before you compliment him on something you know he’s put a lot of time into.

Remind him, during that same conversation, of what late weekend hours you keep and why you really benefit from your weekend beauty rest. Share with him a story about how you’ve learned to sleep (or tried) through other troubling sounds — say birds or barking dogs. Let him understand that you’ve made every effort and could use some cooperation from his end to keep your relationship pleasant and your temperament temperate.

Query: We’re in a tight situation, having bought a house with more mortgage than we wanted. Now my partner has lost his job and we’re wondering what to do about the nanny. It sounds fussy, but it took us a few tries to get the right match for our parenting style and our comfort level. Since my partner has already started a job search, and we can coast for right now, I don’t think we even have to say anything specific to the nanny. But what if getting a new job takes longer than we think? Should I say something now, and possibly start him on his job search?

—Vacillating on Vancouver

Carrie: Loss of primary income is one of the three most stressful events that can happen to a family unit. You might share your situation with your nanny, just so that you get him on board with the household tension level. He’ll be better able to work with and respond to your children in full possession of the basic facts. Keep him apprised of your partner’s progress; tell him often how you value him; pay him promptly and you’ll probably have the auxiliary support you’ve come to count on.

If the job search goes on “too long”, let the nanny know that your financial status is 90 days out from having to reconsider his employment. If he’s as good as you say, you owe him the dignity of looking for work before he’s unemployed. Ask him to hold off on accepting another position without speaking to you, as you’ll want to retain his services if at all possible. With flattery like that, he may stay even if the paychecks get a little rubbery.