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	Intergenerational respect; passing the buck April 2006

Query: My grandmother serves this big, gross lamb every Easter. She acts like it's in the Bible that we have to eat it. But none of us kids do. And Dad doesn't either. So now I'm a vegetarian. Mom wants me to let Gran serve me some lamb and then I should just leave it there. And not say anything. But I say I should say I'm a vegetarian. I really, really don't want some piece of a dead lamb on my plate. Who's right?

—Gagging on Grant

Carrie: For the record, it is in the Bible that everyone should eat lamb for Passover, and that sacred holiday always coincides with Easter. So in a sense, it is in the Bible that we should all eat lamb at Easter.

However, those of us who have accepted, or chosen, certain consistent dietary restrictions ought to have those limitations respected by people in general, and especially those with whom we dine most, i.e. our families. You are perfectly within the bounds of propriety and etiquette to request that you be served only those dishes free of meat (or all animal products if you've chosen veganism).

It might be a politic gesture, and polite besides, to call your Gran ahead of time and ask her what entrée you can bring to complete the table--suggest a pasta primavera or mushroom lasagna perhaps. She will likely have an easier time accepting your change as the result of a mature decision if you conduct yourself more maturely around the subject of holiday meals.

PS: Just a hint, don't use any negative words regarding the lamb should it come up in your meal planning conversation. Your respect for her choices will put the burden of returning that respect on her.

Query: I am way too young to be in an elder care situation, but my mother-in-law is moving in with us during a course of radiation treatment for her cancer. I want to be supportive, but six weeks with the most compulsively helpful and germ obsessed woman in the western world doesn't thrill me. My partner works nights, and I'll be alone with her for hours every evening. Ack! Can I rent a room in town for the duration? Gracefully?

—Frantic on Fenton

Carrie: Unless you work for a special prosecutor, you probably can't use your job as an excuse. Will your mother-in-law have some space with a door she can shut that she could call her own during her stay with you? Is there some corner you could fit up to be "hers"? Put a comfortable chair, an end table and a good light together. If she's got a hobby, see that she has somewhere to store her supplies. If she needs a space for her computer and a network connection to the internet, be sure to see that it's in place before she arrives. These little kindnesses will encourage her to enjoy her favorite activities while she's visiting. Remember, under the circumstances she's probably not a lot more thrilled to be there than you are to have her. Show her compassion, give her space and try to take an interest in her interests. The time might go by more quickly than you suppose.

Query: My dog ate my bankroll. I now have half a hundred dollar bill and an anxious expression on my face as I follow my dog around with plastic bags and gloves. What can I do? I really can't afford to lose that particular paycheck.

—Broke on Boston

Carrie: Once your dog has produced the desired remains of your work week, call over to the local branch of your bank and see if they'll replace your currency--admittedly, not the likeliest circumstance. Happily, you're not the only person in the USA to have a problem with the condition of your currency. If more than half of each of the notes in question is salvaged in one piece, wash them well and throw them in an envelope with a brief explanation, a phone number, address and e-mail. Send them here: Department of the Treasury, Bureau of Engraving and Printing, Office of Currency Standards (OCS), Room 344-PD, Post Office Box 37048, Washington, D.C. 20013.

If what you recover from your dog's digestive system isn't clearly more than half of each note, then you'll want to seek more information on this page over at the Office of Currency Standards: http://www.bep.treas.gov/section.cfm/8/39 . They have procedures and preliminaries for all sorts of currency quandaries.

In the future, you may wish to find a location for your walking around money that isn't quite so accessible to your, no doubt, delightful doggie. You might even consider contracting with a dog trainer to have a few one-on-one sessions to correct your pooch's interest in paper products. The expense would quickly be balanced by your retention of whole bank notes.