Queries for Carrie

	Monsters within, Monsters without

Query: My Mom says we're not buying costumes and masks this year. She says we're going to make Halloween costumes ourselves. I'm going to have the dorkiest costume ever. I may as well tape a big L to my forehead then I can go as a Loser. Is she trying to embarrass me in front of all my friends? Does she know I have to go to school here, no matter how lame she makes me seem?

--Hopeless on Houston

Carrie: Sorry, Hopeless, I'm a huge fan of homemade costumes. This is not some baroque form of cruel and unusual parenting on your mother's part. Take a shot a cooperating with her this year. Invent something to be, or snag a good idea from TV, comic books and other forms of print matter. You may not look just like every other kid in an off-the-rack plastic hospital gown with a lousy color graphic on the front, but that's the whole idea. You're a unique, creative individual. And here's where you can express it.

Heck, rope your friends into the plan, and then they won't be able to sneer at whatever you're wearing on the Night of Nights. Invite them over for a day of costume making. Get a cool array of found objects and leftover supplies from everybody's garages and basements. Get your mom, and any other adult you can nail down, to help supervise the use of hot-melt glue guns and other fun tools. If you really get into it, you could make a total group project (like a UFO full of diverse aliens). There's safety from laughter in numbers and surprising fun in doing it yourself.

Query: My little brother's really, really gross. He picks his nose in the car, and wipes on the edge of his safety seat. He farts all the time, and he belches whenever it'll be the most noticed and the rudest (like in church). He's so disgusting, and my dad just thinks it's funny. Can I change my name and get adopted? Is it true that I could go to court and divorce my family? Would that cost a lot of money?

--Embarrassed on Easley

Carrie: It does cost a lot of money to divorce one's family. And it's very, very difficult to prove that your home life is so awful that continuing on there will cause you permanent emotional damage to the point that you're liable to become a danger to yourself and/or society. Request a meeting with your parent/s.   Explain your concern that the little monster will become a social outcast and (bigger) reject than he already is if he can't learn the basics of personal conduct in public places. If you offer to do the research, and the strategizing, they may be willing to hand finding a solution over to you.

Suggest a new regime of consistently polite behavior of every sort around the house: use please and thank you; station tissue boxes in the car; open doors for others and put away one's own messes. If the project is targeted at the whole family, your little brother won't feel singled out for re-education (which almost always makes people like that resist their own improvement). And you'll find yourself living in a kinder, gentler, less embarrassing household in no time at all.

Query: My grandma expects me to go to church with her when I come back to see her at mid-term. I've accepted another faith since I started college. I want her to show respect for my choice. I know she was confused by my decision to find spirituality through another path; but I don't want to have to listen to her poor-mouthing my newfound tradition. What should I say to make her understand?

--Centered on Central

Carrie: You may not have to "say" anything. If you set your grandmother a good example, she'll very likely follow it. Having old-fashioned home training is no bad thing in these trying, modern times. Practice your new faith discreetly. Take time to find a suitable community of faith when you are visiting. Observe your customary forms of prayer and worship. And while you are under her roof, you ought to attend church with your grandmother. It is traditional for houseguests to do so, even when one stays with persons not of one's own faith. The respect that you show her rituals should give her an idea of the dignity and reverence that you anticipate her displaying for your preferences in return.

Your gracious company at church on one Sunday may save you grief for more than a month of Sundays to come. Perhaps your grandmother wants you to have an active faith community, and only needs to see that demonstrated to be satisfied that you have the kind of support and network that has been so central to her life all her years. Keep an open heart.