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True buds, green grass |
Query: Why do people bother acting like they like you and they want to be your friend if they don't ever have time to do things with you? Or if they always wait until you call them? It makes me so mad. Are they really that busy? Are they so selfish they don't ever think of anyone but themselves?
--Blown Off on Boyd
Carrie: Not everyone is meant to be a foundational friend, tight crew or best bud. Some people are always glad to see you, but only if you call. Some people only show up when you have something they want or a skill they need. That doesn't mean they're not your friends. They're just not material for close companionship.
Ask yourself if you enjoy the time you do spend with them. Does the connection push you to be more yourself, or learn and do what you might not otherwise try? If so then the friendship is valuable--however sporadic or peripatetic.
Sometimes people like what they know of you, but genuinely are busy or preoccupied. If you keep making an effort, you may find there's a time in the future when you can deepen your acquaintance and really get to know and cherish one another. You might be surprised at the individuals who turn up in your life again and again to make it a richer experience.
Query: I was a huge mess until a couple years ago. I'm getting myself together. And it's OK most of the time. I've even started seeing someone. I had to be honest. I told him about my past. He was really understanding. I trust him totally. But now it's like he's always pushing me to get back to school, and 'tone down' my clothes and eat better and quit smoking. I want to be the girl he'll love forever, though I don't deserve him. He's so good, and he wants so much for me. Why do I feel like screaming at him to lay off?
--Clean on Cole
Carrie: There's a form of Japanese ceramics called Raku. Each piece is hand-built by a single potter, half-dried and then burnished before glazing and firing. The value and aesthetic of finished Rakuware increase if during the final curing and firing a flaw develops in the piece. This cracking, or crumbling of the clay, or any crazing of the glaze, highlights the greater perfection and mastery and serenity of the rest of the object.
And that's why I don't feel that our 'broken' parts should inspire others to 'fix' us. That which is broken in us is intrinsic to the process of becoming whole. The survival of the integrity of the final person is all the greater an achievement because it compasses those flaws and is the more beautiful and worthy because of them and the struggle and endurance such flaws represent.
You deserve to respect yourself for overcoming what you've overcome. You deserve to have a partner who respects you for the same reason and allows you to grow at a comfortable pace into your new self. Share your feelings of pressure and discomfort with him. If he's right for you, he'll give you some space to do your best in your own time while loving you the more for all you've been through.
Query: My partner has made me a lawn widow. I don't get to see him until it's too dark for him to continue obsessing over that bright green, highly manicured monocrop surrounding our house. I had no idea this was the kind of person I was getting involved with. We were younger, and city dwellers then. I thought I'd scored because he's not a sports fanatic. But now we're in the suburbs.
And it's getting worse, not better. We have six kinds of lawnmowers now--some of them nearly as big as an SUV, all with accessories galore. I don't know how long I can stand this.
--Weed-free on Wayne
Carrie: First off, though I don't like to play the heavy, you can see your partner anytime you like, simply by stepping out of doors. Secondly, if he hasn't descended to spraying noxious chemicals all over his trophy lawn to keep it pristine, and if he observes watering-bans, keeping a pocket of croquet-grade greens in good condition is not a terrible vice.
Sports aficionados generally tend to be couch potatoes in their season. Your man is out in the fresh air staying physically active making nature over in his image. Again, you might easily join him out there. If you have an iota of interest, you could take over maintaining a few cheerful beds. If you don't give a whistle for plants, you can still pull weeds: once he's given you careful demonstrations of the right way to go about eradicating the invaders and invasives. You might enjoy the fresh air and exercise yourself.
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