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The Cycle of Violence

Understanding the seemingly senseless dynamic of abuse in the home

BY JAMILA A. JACKSON

Every 9 seconds...

She dreads his arrival. His mood is unpredictable, but her pain is not. He had pushed her a couple of times, and smacked her every now and then after their second year of marriage. He graduated to punching and sexual abuse after she became pregnant with their first child.

Although, he had never struck their son, who is now seven, he is a victim too. He has seen his mother swollen and bloody at least four or five times a year.

She dashes throughout their home, making sure that everything is in its proper place, and cleaning up the boy. She doesn‚t want to give her husband a reason to be upset with her. But she knows that he doesn‚t need a reason.

She is among to 3.9 million women who are physically abused and 20 million who are psychologically abused by their husbands.

"Why do they stay?"

We‚ve all asked the question and speculated about the answers. To those on the outside of the abuse, it‚s so obvious, it‚s almost sickening. But for the women involved in the "Cycle of Violence" it‚s part of the psychological manipulation that they suffer at the hands of their abuser.

Dr. Lenore Walker developed the concept of the Cycle of Violence after interviewing about 1,500 abused women in 1979. She discovered a strong pattern among these women and their experiences, which she shared in her book The Battered Woman.

The cycle begins with the tension stage, Walker said. Stress and anxiety build, and eventually the threats and attacks begin during the violence stage. The final stage is seduction when the abuser feels guilty and apologizes, convincing the victim that the abuse was an isolated incident, that he just had a bad day, or that if she had done something differently, it never would have happened. It is also known as the "honeymoon stage" bacause the abuser is on his best behavior.

"Isn't the woman aware of the cycle?"

Although the abuser is the one with the power in the relationship, both people take part and contribute to the cycle. Often women consider leaving or actually leave, but return and decide to stay in the relationship after the seduction stage because. Many women cite some of these reasons for remaining: low self esteem, children, fear financial instability, fear of being alone, fear of retaliation and hope that he‚ll change.

The Family Experience by Mark Hutter offers some explanation. "Women who experience repeated violence or abuse without feeling victimized make use of rationalizations and belief systems that allow them to maintain a feeling of being in a good, normal, or at least acceptable marriage." Some women think that the violence is an opportunity to help or "save" their husband from destructive behavior, while others are in denial and act like the abuse never happened, Hutter said. Some women acknowledge the abuse, but blame alcohol, drugs, or a bad day, and others feel that they deserve it, he said.

Abuse beyond physical

Outsiders see these reasons as insignificant when it comes to avoiding violence, but from the inside, abuse is more than just physical. There are three types of abuse, other than violence. Sexual abuse is more than raping one‚s partner. Abusers can attack the victim‚s sexual organs or sodomize the victim.

Both of these have a psychological affect on the victim, but the abuser can also use psychological abuse on its own to control the victim or as preliminary abuse before the violence starts to lower or beat down the victim‚s resistance. Threatening to hurt their partner or them self if the victim leaves is abuse. Forcing someone to degrade them self by eating off the floor or licking the shoes of the abuser. Some activities are specifically for exerting control. Successfully controlling another‚s eating habits and social relationships shows the abuser that the victim is surrendering control over her own life to him.

"Don't they know that they can get help?"

There are shelters throughout Maryland that can assist women, but many things can make it harder for the victim to leave, and easier for the abuser to find her. If there are children involved, the situation becomes more about the father‚s rights than about the woman‚s right to live without fear and abuse. The majority of shelters do not offer police protection from abusers.

Because the threat of serious injury and murder are so real, many women are scared to seek out help, and there is an "invisible population" of victims who are not accounted for. According to A Safe Place battered women try to get help, but are failed by police, lawyers, health care staff, family and religious leaders.

A study of more than 6,000 battered women in Texas found that, on average, the women had contacted five different sources of help prior to leaving the home and becoming residents of battered women's shelters.

Forty-two percent of women who were victims of homicide were killed by their husbands or boyfriends. If women find the courage and assistance to escape from abuse before they become a murder victim they can contact any of the following resources and shelters in the Washington area.